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lfcrule1972

One liners

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Ok I don't expect all our international friends to understand all of these but I hope there are enough to make you chuckle...... :P

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a

goat.

 

 

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

 

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation?

 

 

- Jimmy Carr

 

 

 

 

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

 

 

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

 

 

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most

of our family holidays in Customs.

 

 

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

 

 

 

 

 

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I

was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me

to sleep at night.

 

 

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

 

 

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind

people were given pointed sticks?

 

 

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

 

 

 

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I

was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

 

 

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

 

 

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,

because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite

flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..

Self-raising?"

 

 

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

 

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

punched someone in the face.

 

 

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

 

 

 

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought

the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

 

 

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

 

 

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the

Girl out of Cork...

 

 

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

 

 

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.

Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

 

 

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

 

 

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a

winner and a loser at the same time.

 

 

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

 

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join

the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a

plumber".

 

 

- Steven Alan Green at C34

 

 

 

 

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

 

 

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

 

 

 

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already

got one!"

 

 

- Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

 

 

 

 

It's easy to distract fat people. Try a piece of cake.

 

 

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

 

 

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not

very good at it.

 

 

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

 

 

 

 

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,

then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're

trained for that.

 

 

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

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The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
=)) =))

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