A Man Goes to a Dentist

[Movie Junkie]

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

 

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

 

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

 

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

[blutach]

GROAN

 

Regards

[Movie Junkie]

GROAN

 

Regards

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[spinningwheel]

For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.

I cheddar to think what they'll come out with next.

[Shamus_McFartfinger]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

 

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

 

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

 

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head."

[Movie Junkie]

@ Shamus...Double Groan

[spinningwheel]

*Groan*

 

I finally found out how to make powdered water, but now I don't know what to add.

[Shamus_McFartfinger]

@ Shamus...Double Groan

I?m bored and half drunk.................... Now for the other half. WooHoo!

[kevdriver]

DISTANCE

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and

one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther

away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida..?????"

 

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he

could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just

yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it

to you!"

 

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another

blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the

other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

"You ARE on the other side."

 

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her

body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then

she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and

screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched

 

made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing

 

at the car, he was astounded to see that theblonde behind the wheel was

knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to

his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned

on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. .

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.

We're going at night!"

 

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled

the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in

 

a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you

hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and

asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named

Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Shamus_McFartfinger]

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

 

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

 

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

 

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."

[kevdriver]

[Movie Junkie]

For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.

I cheddar to think what they'll come out with next.

Well if that's the Whey you feel Asiago somewhere else. It seems you are feeling Blue by being here. And you shouldn't Brie anywhere that makes you feel like that. Yes Goato someplace you think will make you happy. If that place doesn't work then Goutu some other place. You might try the Isle of Mull, or maybe just watching an episode of the Munsters might help. If after that you are still feeling Pourly you could try watching something with Ray Romano in it. Whatever you do, hopefully it will bring an end to this Saga

[Shamus_McFartfinger]

MJ: I think you need to get out more.

[Movie Junkie]

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

[Movie Junkie]

A Transylvania vacation

 

 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

 

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

 

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

 

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

 

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

 

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

 

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

 

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

 

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

 

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

 

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

[Movie Junkie]

Visit to the car dealer...

 

 

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

 

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

 

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

 

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

 

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

 

"No son, I want this color."

 

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

 

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

 

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

[Movie Junkie]

MJ: I think you need to get out more.

Shamus, Ill drink to that.

[polopony]

AWoman Goes to the Dentist and is very nervous about getting her teeth filled she says to the dentist I'd rather have a baby than get my teeth filled the dentist says let me know now lady so I know how to adjust the chair

[blutach]

Shamus - that was foul mate.

 

Regards

Edited February 27, 2006 by blutach