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Ok I don't expect all our international friends to understand all of these but I hope there are enough to make you chuckle...... :P


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a




- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms






Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation?



- Jimmy Carr






The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm




- Chris Addison at the Pleasance






My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most

of our family holidays in Customs.



- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon







My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I

was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me

to sleep at night.



- Susan Murray at the Underbelly






Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind

people were given pointed sticks?



- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance






My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I

was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.



- Susan Murray at the Underbelly






You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,

because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite

flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..




- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms






The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

punched someone in the face.



- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap






I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought

the obvious one was "Shout For Help".



- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron






I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the

Girl out of Cork...



- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco






Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.

Turned out it was a bloody hoax.



- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance






Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a

winner and a loser at the same time.



- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms






A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join

the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a




- Steven Alan Green at C34






Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.



- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance






I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already

got one!"



- Norman Lovett at The Stand






It's easy to distract fat people. Try a piece of cake.



- Chris Addison at the Pleasance






I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not

very good at it.



- Arnold Brown at The Stand






If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,

then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're

trained for that.



- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.

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