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Some lyrics of Yule tide cheer for this time of year!


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Holy Shit, It's Christmas!




Red Peters with The New Christy Hamsters



SFX - Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.


(off in the distance) "Ho, ho, ho."


Hamster 1 - "Did you hear that?"


Hamster 2 - "Hey everybody, Santa's here!"


Hamster 3 - "Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus."


Hamster 2 - "There is, too!"


SFX - knock on door


Hamsters - "He's here!"


SFX - door bursts open


Red - "Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!"


Hamster 1 - "Aw, shit, it's Red Peters."


Hamsters - "Awww." (grumbling in unison)


Red - "Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here. We're gonna sing us a happy Christmas song."


Hamster 1 - "Oh no, not another corny, stupid song."


Hamster 2 - "Yeah, no way Red."


Hamsters - "Yeah, yeah."


Red - "Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!"


Hamsters - "OK!, OK! Jeesh!"



Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me

forget about out all that teasin'

we're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree

cuz it's that jolly season

I know you been naughty, but have you been nice

that's only Santa's business

he's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice

Holy Shit, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)



Santa comes just once a year

just like you Red, that's what we hear

he's got a soft spot for reindeer

especially Rudolph's derriere


knock it off fellas it's a holiday

go on give santa a big kiss

you can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh

Holy Shit, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)




Red - "Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet? Anyone seen my lyric sheet?"


Hamster 1 - "Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.

We know our parts by heart. Right fellas?" (giggles)


Hamster 2 - "Yeah, sure, I know my part, Godfried." (giggles)


Hamster 3 - "Yah, me too!" (giggles)


Red- "Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs."



(Godfried) - Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse

after drinking all the eggnog


(Bruce) - camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two

squashing off a yule log


(Raliegh) - he wandered in his undies all over the house

but we minded our own business


(Hamsters) - til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube


(All) - Holy Shit, It's Christmas!


(Red) Santa comes just once a year

up the chimney he'll disappear


(hamsters) keep on the look out for Mr. Gear

hamster deliveries in the rear


Red - (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking.) "Gimme those lyrics!"


roastnuts chestin' on an open fire

santas tongue stuck to the doorknob

his balls got fondled by a carolin' choir

while the parson gave him a hand.




the sleigh came down and took him away

that whole damn crowd was dismissed

it was time to be jolly, a time to be gay

Holy Shit, It's Christmas! (HAMSTERS)

Holy Shit, It's Christmas!

Holy Shit, It's Christmas!"

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Well, I hate it here! :lol: It's so bloody cold :cold: down here in KY and so bloody hot :heat: when it's not! :angry:


I can take the heat, its the dam cold weather I can't stand like today.


snow and cold front moving in right now with falling temps into the single digits by tonight.


Me hibernating today :thumbup:

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Oooh! New forums software! :lol:



I'm the opposite. I can take the cold much more than the heat. Plus, it's easier to warm something up than it is to cool something down. It's adding heat versus using attractive forces to draw heat out of an object.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Tonight's Dr. Demento Show added another yule classic:



You Ain't Gettin' Shit For Christmas!


By Red Peters


You know, they say Christmas is a time for givin' at least that's what the Good Book says.

And, at our house every Christmas Eve, our son and daughter and their families always drive down from the big city for an old-fashioned family holiday.

Heck, Ma dresses up the house like a Christmas sky.

You can hear her in the kitchen singin' while she's bakin' cookies for the children, and she spends hours wrappin' the presents.

She's been buyin' since last August!

She hangs all the stockings all over the fireplace.

And the morning of, I cut me down the prettiest Christmas tree you ever saw in your life!



This year, we really outdid ourselves!

Ma and I are gettin' on in our years, so we decided to give the kids tax-free cash gifts of $10,000 each! :o

Well, I reckon it was around noon when I heard the dog barkin'.

It was Jim the mailman in his old Santa cap, coming up the walk, teasin' the dogs, as usual, holdin' a package.

While he was headed over he said, "Pappy, looks like you got an old package from your daughter."

Well, Ma tore it open and to both our horrors we unwrapped a fruitcake and a note that read:

"Hello, Mom and Dad;

At the last minute we got a cheap fare on the Internet and went to Hawaii!

Hold on to our gifts 'til after the first of the year!

Love, Princess!"

Well, Ma's heart was broken and I felt a lump in my throat as I thought to myself:




You ain't gettin' shit for Christmas!

You can shove that fruitcake up your ass!

You ain't gettin' shit!

No, you ain't gettin' dick!

You ain't gettin' shit for Christmas!



Well, you know, Ma hasn't had a drink in 20 years, and I, I've been off the sauce myself for awhile now, and heck, if there was ever an excuse to start drinkin' again...



SFX: Doorbell



Who in tarnation could that be?!

Junior and his family?!

Ah, it was some delivery fella standin' there, holdin' what looked like a fruitcake tin with a card attached!

"Pop, the company condo's free this week, and you know how much Pumpkin and I love Hilton Head!

Please forward our gifts to this address."



SFX: Beer can opening



Hey, Ma, save some of that for me!

Well, Ma took a conniption and things turned real ugly!

She started breakin' things and hurlin' turkey and those two fruitcakes right through the front window and the whole time she was yellin',





SFX (Playing while Chorus repeats): screams, punches, shouting, breaking glass, objects thrown, wood cracking, crying, machine gun fire, bombs going off, fire truck sirens



And to all a good night! :D

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