Quotes attributed to Top Gears Jeremy Clarkson

[lfcrule1972]

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you've got even half a scr*tum it's not going to happen."

 

"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

 

"[about Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

 

..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"

 

On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

 

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom'

 

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:

"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".

Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"

Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!"

 

"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite"

 

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... That's what gets you."

 

'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

 

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

 

(Fed up during the caravaning trip)

"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"

 

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about.

That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

 

(mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

 

"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

 

Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction.

Run them down to prove them wrong'

 

I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.'

What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"

 

"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably because they don't have wheel-chair access"

 

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

 

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory"

 

"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate..."

 

"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the

[LIGHTNING UK!]

Nice one lfc

 

Hoorah to UKTV G2 for showing all the old Top Gear eps!

 

Although I'd already heard it, the one about Hammond's crash did make me chuckle.

[lfcrule1972]

I remember the Mrs and I laughing at Clarkson ripping the piss out of Hammond for his crash, very funny and lightend the emotional moment when they all watched it......

 

The quote on the Alfa Brera made me too !

[Altercuno]

Good stuff lfc

 

...get my mum to give me a lap dance...very amusing.

[LOCOENG]

Excellent...I wish this show was more regular in the states, but I do catch it sporatically.

[dontasciime]

Good stuff.

 

Can't wait for the new series, has become a favourite of mine over the years Clarkson has been running it.

 

I know a lot of people hate him but I think he is just so funny.

[blutach]

Who doesn't love Top Gear? Great show.

 

Only trouble is he's always hated Porsches while slobbering over his beloved Aston Martins.

 

Regards

[lfcrule1972]

I hate Aston Martins mate - overpriced pieces of shit !!

[blutach]

Well, they are English, after all =))

 

Regards

[lfcrule1972]

and the Australian supercar or luxury car is what exactly ?? A Holden ???

[dontasciime]

[LOCOENG]

Is that a Mazda Miata with a new body kit screwed on?

[lfcrule1972]

[spinningwheel]

With a price starting at 99.9K the bitch better make dinner as well as run as fast as it looks.

[Altercuno]

...my marriage cost me more than that and I had to make my own dinner...

 

Googled for Australian luxury cars and came up with ...

 

[LOCOENG]

This is getting ugly quick...I like it