Movie Junkie

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You w! ant it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote ======= While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"... She ALSO votes! ========== I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". He ALSO votes! ========== My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . She ALSO votes! ========== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut th! rough a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes! ========== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... He ALSO votes! ========== I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . . SHE ALSO votes!

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, Put A Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yells....... "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

Thanks Blu.

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk ?" he asks. "Yep ! ," the Lab replies. "So ... , what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the owner says. "Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22. 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business...I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded. "I'm the lead lecturer where I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Jewish men who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry;" she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you; I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.".

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7.Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9.The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***** 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family .. unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

11. "...and every household in America will have easy access to cheap prostitutes! " 10. "No more mispronunciations." 9. "I will roll back the tax cuts for the wealthy, as well as the first amendment." 8. "I support the big companies you buy stuff from! A vote for me will help their bottom line." 7. "I'll find a good position for your daughter on my staff." 6. "The MPAA President will be made a cabinet level position." 5. "The cozy relationships with lobbyists and special interests will be stopped, because I will declare myself King of the World and all will bow to me." 4. "Once I'm elected, all my financial contributors will be rounded up and shot." 3. "I promise I will single handedly take down this mighty beast called the Internet so we may all once again rest peacefully at night." 2. "And I will give up my paycheck as president and donate all that money to Hooters." 1. "Absolutely, positively, no sex with corpses."

11. Wanted to get some names for people we should pray for this week. 10. You weren't supposed to be back from lunch until 1. 9. I'm studying to be an Ob-Gyn. 8. Making a list of sites to block the kids from going to. 7. Doing research for the "Tom Cruise or Gay Porn" quiz. 6. I wanted to make sure I was doing that right. 5. Just making sure our daughter hadn't fallen in with the wrong people. 4. I had to visit this page to gain access to a warez site. 3. Typo when trying to google "rough kinky corn". 2. I was reading the articles. 1. I'm just verifying that I'm not gay, again.

11. It has blinking lights on it (that's actual lights, not LEDs). 10. The default spell check dictionary is Olde English. 9. The noise insulation is asbestos. 8. It's too slow for the latest version of Nethack. 7. The memory is hand soldered onto the motherboard. 6. Eighty-column lines of text wrap to three lines. 5. Not even your parents want it. 4. The Smithsonian keeps calling to see if you'll donate it. 3. Green or amber are your only choices in monitors. 2. The CPU speed is measured in fractions of MHz. 1. It's made by Commodore Business Machines.

Are you talking about and his bastard cronies? If so I completely agree with you. I have been saying that most of what they do is just . We need to and . If anyone from the is reading this I just want to say to you that if you don't like what I've said... !!!!!!!!

A great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY DB!!

Overclocker Creates Rift in Space-Time Continuum By Brian Briggs Santa Cruz, CA - A rift in the space-time continuum was created today when overclocker Jamie Aperman ran a 750 MHz Coppermine Pentium III at 11.6 GHz. Overclocking has long been blamed for causing global warming, but this is the first occasion that the fabric of space-time has been damaged. Rift in the Space-Time ContinuumMIT Professor George Greznowski said, "It appears that the CPU was operating so fast that it began to execute instructions before they arrived. This execution of future instructions created a small tear in the fabric of space-time itself through which part of the motherboard passed into a parallel universe." No one was injured in the accident, but a computer motherboard was partially damaged. Mr. Aperman better known as SpeedPhreeek said, "I'm pissed. I lost a brand new Alpha Cooler and Coppermine to a parallel universe. I called my insurance company and they don't cover losses to rifts in the space-time continuum." Intel researchers have long warned of such damage to the space-time continuum, and added clock multiplier locks to their CPUs before they were required by Congress. A bill is now in the US Senate which would require a three day waiting period for purchasers of Alpha Cooling Fans and Peltier cooling devices. The bill would also require clock multiplier locks on all new processors. Overclocking advocate Horace Spencer said, "This bill before Congress won't prevent overclocking. They'll just create a black market for non-locked processors. Most of the top overclockers already get their goods from Taiwan."

The latest scam is happening at local Wal Marts. Two good looking 18 year old girls come up to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer a tip, they say 'no' but ask for a ride to the local Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Then one climbs up front and performs oral sex on you, while the other steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday. Be careful.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered." But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "LOVE dress? But you're naked!" "My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

DOPEY--NOT. I too, burn my DVD5 discs at 4x. I also do my DL discs at 2.4x. Maybe that's why I haven't made many coasters.

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And the rifle went bang, bang.

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