Request for funny one liners / famous quotes from movies / tv shows

[LIGHTNING UK!]

Good ones will be added to something stupid in the up and coming new release.

[LOCOENG]

Kurt Russell from Tombstone "Are you going to do something or just stand there and bleed?"

 

One of my all time favorites.

[jack]

Now are these going to be used as error messages or warnings? If they are then theres no one better than HAL 9000 from 2001, he has some great lines in the context of a computer program:

 

"Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye."

"Everything's running smoothly."

"I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like this before."

"I think you've improved a great deal."

"Just a moment. Just a moment."

"It can only be attributable to human error."

 

Theres a load of them HERE in audio form.

 

 

And another classic:

 

“Good. For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.” Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

 

 

Maybe Obi-Wan: "Use the force Luke!"

 

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" is my favourite but how you would find a use for that I dont know!!!

[LIGHTNING UK!]

They're just going to be used in the 'caption' area of the groupbox on the new 'Ez-Mode Picker' screen.

 

Almost like a quote of day type thing.

 

I already have the 'blow the bloody doors off' one in my list

[spinningwheel]

From one of the greatest of all time movies:

 

 

"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."

 

"Better listen to him, Flounder. He's pre-med."

 

and my most favorite...

 

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

[LOCOENG]

Jack Nicholson ~ As Good As It Gets "Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here."

[Altercuno]

Life of Brian...

 

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?

Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea

 

Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. He wanks very highly.

 

What have the Romans ever done for us?

 

The A-Team...

 

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...the A-Team.

 

Poison Ivy, Batman 4...

 

Slippery when wet...

 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

 

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.

Mae West

 

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.

Mae West

 

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Groucho Marx

 

Homer...

 

# Operator! Give me the number for 911!

 

# Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

 

# Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

 

# Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

 

# Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

 

# Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

 

# Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

 

# Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

 

# I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

 

# Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

 

Clint...

 

You've got to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?

 

6 Million $ Man...

 

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.

 

I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own.”

--No.6; Arrival

[Jill]

@ Altercuno I think when LUK made this topic he actually expected sensible comments that can be added into the program

Edited September 25, 2007 by Jill

[LIGHTNING UK!]

Awww, they weren't all that bad Jill, some of them could probably be used.

[Altercuno]

I read it as the title says: funny one liners/famous quotes from movies/tv shows. I have no idea how he wants to add any of this to his program. To which bit, exactly, are you referring?

[jack]

They're just going to be used in the 'caption' area of the groupbox on the new 'Ez-Mode Picker' screen.

 

Almost like a quote of day type thing.

 

I already have the 'blow the bloody doors off' one in my list

 

You could also use Micheal Caines from Zulu: "Dont point that bloody spear at me!"(Mind you, I think I may have made that one up!! )

 

Ah right, sounds like it could be fun.

 

How about something from Marvin the paranoid android?

 

"Why stop now just when i'm hating it?"

 

"Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be."

 

" Freeze? I'm a robot. I'm not a refrigerator."

 

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't."

 

Trillian: Marvin... you saved our lives!

Marvin: I know. Wretched, isn't it?

 

And a classic from Arthur Dent:"It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays." I feel the same you know................

[Altercuno]

Hitchhikers Guide, forgot about that. I was thinking Red Dwarf and...

 

Blackadder...

 

"My Lord, I have a cunning plan."

- Baldric

 

"I think I'll write my tombstone - Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed."

 

"Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsichord singing subtle plans are here again."

 

Red Dwarf...

 

"Don't give me any of that 'Star Trek' crap. It's too early in the morning."

- Dave Lister

 

"Don't fish swim south for the winter?"

"No, that's birds, sir."

"Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breath?"

 

- Cat and Kryten

 

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

 

- 'Ace' Rimmer

 

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

[Shamus_McFartfinger]

Good ones will be added to something stupid in the up and coming new release.

 

Perhaps a "tagline" text file? Y'know, the taglines we used to add to FidoNet messages as padding when the XModem protocol randomly chopped off pieces from the bottom of our messages? I used to use a tagline program with my mail tosser (Spot) years ago. There's probably shitloads of them on AmiNet.

[volvofl10]

You could also use Micheal Caines from Zulu: "Dont point that bloody spear at me!"(Mind you, I think I may have made that one up!! )

 

another good one from Zulu ............. for fooks sake taffy, sing something they know!"

 

 

Burn Baby burn . disc inferno

 

B B B Baby, you aint seen nothing yet

 

You dont want to do it like that, you want to do it like this .......... Harry Enfield's Old git

 

He who dares Rodney, he who dares ...........Del boy

[dontasciime]

You dont want to do it like that, you want to do it like this .......... Harry Enfield's Old git

 

 

That would be a good one , Well I think so

[Altercuno]

MASH

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice"~Sidney Freedman.

 

Frank: I'm a pretty fair doctor myself. Ask any of my patients!

Hawkeye: We can't dig people up just for that.

 

X Files

 

Scully: The answers are there, you just have to know where to look for them.

Mulder: That's why they put the 'I' in FBI.

 

Mulder: I tied up an air phone for three hours. I don't speak Japanese, but I think some businessman told me to stick a piece of sushi where the sun don't shine.

 

Scully: Your contact, while interesting in the context of science fiction, was, at least in my memory, recounting a poorly veiled synopsis of an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

 

Batman & Robin TV show

 

Alfred (dressed up as Batman): "I pray our deception succeeds, Master Robin."

Robin: "Just puff out your chest and look virile, Alfred."

 

Batman to Joker: "Shall we go into the men's locker room and put on our baggies?"

 

Batman to Catwoman: "Don't try to pull the wool over our eye-slits."

[Altercuno]

Feel like I'm in a time warp here...lets try something newer...

 

Scrubs

 

JD : What do I know about good relationships? Yesterday I had funeral sex.

 

Dr.Cox: They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.

 

Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

 

Friends

 

"You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?"

- Chandler in The One Where No One's Ready

 

"You really think she's hot?"

"Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now."

- Rachel and Chandler in The One With Phoebe's Rats

 

"No, I want you to have a job that you love. Not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration."

"I quit, and you learn what I do?"

- Monica and Chandler in The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work

 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

 

Buffy: All right. I get it, you're evil. Do we have to chat about it all day?

 

Buffy: Vampires probably not that big on Christmas, now that I think about it.

 

Buffy: What part of punching you in the face do you not understand?

 

The Office - David Brent

 

“If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.”

 

“If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.”

 

“You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.”

 

“If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.”

 

“Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.”

 

“If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.”

 

“There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.”

 

“There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.”

 

“Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.”

 

“Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue”

 

“Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.”

 

“Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.”

 

“Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.”

 

“Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.”

 

“If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.”

 

“The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR !!!”

 

“Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.”

 

“A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?”

 

“I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.”

 

“Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.”

[chewy]

If you build it they will come

[Altercuno]

Dunno if these are any good for what you want...bit different from what you asked for...

 

 

Albert Einstein - “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”

 

Albert Einstein - “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”

 

Albert Einstein - “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

 

Albert Einstein - “It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.”

 

Aristotle - “Friendship is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

 

Aristotle - “Dignity does not consist in possessing honours, but in deserving them.”

 

Aristotle - “Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, And in the right way - that is not easy.”

 

Aristotle - “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

 

Kung Fu-tzu Confucius - “The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.”

 

Kung Fu-tzu Confucius - “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; And third, by experience, which is the bitterest.”

 

Kung Fu-tzu Confucius - “To know what is right and not to do it is the worst cowardice.”

 

Kahlil Gibran - “I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”

 

Kahlil Gibran - “To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.”

 

Kahlil Gibran - “You give little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson - “A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.”

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson - “The secret of education is respecting the pupil.”

 

Ralph Waldo Emerson - “The revelation of thought takes men out of servitude into freedom.”

 

Mahatma Gandhi - “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

 

Mahatma Gandhi - “If I had no sense of humour, I would long ago have committed suicide.”

 

Mark Twain - “Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.”

 

Mark Twain - “It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

[Altercuno]

Soldier on...

 

Famous Last Words

 

Bogart, Humphrey "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."

 

Bouhours, Dominique [French grammarian] "I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used."

 

Crowley, Francis "Two Gun" (1900-1931) (American bank robber and murderer, before his execution in the electric chair) "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother."

 

Olivier, Laurence (1907-1989) "This isn't Hamlet, you know, it's not meant to go into the bloody ear." (To his nurse, who spilt water over him while trying to moisten his lips.)

 

Rodgers, James W. ( -1960) [American criminal] "Why yes, a bullet proof vest!" (On his final request before the firing squad.)

 

Sedgwick, John (1813-1864) "Nonsense, they couldn't hit an elephant at this distance." (In response to a suggestion that he should not show himself over the parapet during the Battle of the Wilderness.)

 

Thomas, Dylan (1914-1953) "I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record."

 

Voltaire (1694-1778) "This is no time to make new enemies." (When asked on his deathbed to forswear Satan.)

 

Wilde, Oscar (1854-1900) "Either this wallpaper goes, or I do!"

 

George Best

 

I used to go missing a lot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.

 

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.

 

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

 

Oliver Reed

 

What's the point of staying sober?

 

I do think a carpenter needs a good hammer to bang in the nail.

 

I do not live in the world of sobriety.

 

I have two ambitions in life: one is to drink every pub dry, the other is to sleep with every woman on earth.

 

Some quotes from IBF might be interesting...

[dontasciime]

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

 

Jesus Saves "Not on my wages he doesn't"

 

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

 

My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.

[lfcrule1972]

[chewy]

My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.

 

lets leave shamus out of this

[kevdriver]

My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend.

 

lets leave shamus out of this

 

[Altercuno]

You're being silly now...

 

Back to films…

 

Bond

 

Goldfinger

Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

 

Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

 

(After electrocuting the guy in the bathtub.)

Bond: Shocking. Positively shocking.

 

Bond: Who are you?

Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore

Bond: I must be dreaming

 

Diamonds are Forever:

Blofeld: The satellite is now over... Kansas. Well, if we blow up Kansas the world may not hear about it for years.

 

Live and Let Die

Bond: There seems to have been a mistake. My name is...

Mr Big: Names is for tombstones, baby. Take this honky outside and waste him.

 

The Man with the Golden Gun

Bond: Who would want to put a contract out on me?

M: Jealous husbands, humiliated tailors, outraged chefs. The list is endless!

 

The Spy who Loved Me

Russian Lady Agent: But James, I need you!

Bond: So does England!

 

Tomorrow Never Dies

Admiral: With all due respect, M, sometimes I don't think you have the balls for this job.

M: Perhaps not. The advantage is, I don't have to think with them all the time.

 

Casino Royale

Bond: Vodka Martini.

Bartender: Shaken or stirred?

Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

 

Bond: Now the whole world's gonna know that you died scratching my balls!

 

Austin Powers

 

Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!

 

I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!

 

Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.

 

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?

Felicity Shagwell: You can start by buying me a drink.

 

Dr Evil: Mini Me, stop humping the "laser". Honest to God! Why don't you and the giant "laser" get a fricken room for God's sakes?